Gabriel Liwerant's Writing Portfolio

ACT I

SCENE 1

(A one-room apartment. It is the afternoon in early autumn and it is still bright outside. BOB is pacing near a circular, wooden table in the middle of the room with a bunch of bananas on it.)

BOB
What could be taking so long? All he had to do was get some paint. Who am I kidding anyway? Sam couldn't steal a free sample.

(There is a knock on the door. BOB, startled, turns toward the door.)

BOB
Who is it?

SAM (off)
You know who it is, open up!

BOB

(Moves closer to door and strains his ears.)

No I don't. Now how do I know who it is?

SAM (off)
Who else would come knockin' on your door?

BOB
I dunno.

(Moves away from door, indignant.)

Maybe it's the cops. You a cop?

SAM (off)
No.
(Whiney)
C'mon Bob these paint cans are heavy. Now open up!

BOB
Do the knock you idiot. That's how I tell if it's you. Go ahead. Do the secret knock.

SAM (off)

(Starts trying out secret knocks. He tries the classic secret knock, then stops abruptly.)

Damn! I don't remember it.

BOB
Gosh-darnit Sam! It goes like this.

(Proceeds to do secret knock on the door.)

Now you do it.

(SAM does the secret knock. Bob opens up the door. SAM is standing in the doorway with an armful of paint cans.)

BOB
Were you followed here?

SAM
Who would follow me?

BOB
Were you or not?

SAM
Not.

BOB
Ok. Get in.

(He closes the door behind SAM.)

And dump those cans on the table. Why did you get so many anyway?

SAM

(SAM lumbers over to the table and drops the cans on it.)

I couldn't find any of the real good stuff. So I got a bunch of different kinds. I don't know what's best.

BOB
What's best? You're not Michealangelo DaVinci. We're talking about painting a bunch of friggin' bananas.

SAM
I asked a couple of experts at the store. They said to use some kind of . . .
(Struggles to pronounce the word "enamel")
animal paint. But I couldn't find any so . . .

BOB
Gosh-darnit Sam. You were discussing our plan with people? I told you not to do that. Nevermind. You got black right?

SAM
And some silver.

BOB
We don't need silver.

SAM
Mine is gonna have silver in it.

(BOB and SAM continue painting their bananas black. The two appear to be concentrating very hard. SAM stripes his black banana with silver. Then they wait for the paint to dry.)

BOB
Your gun looks stupid.

SAM

(Looks at his gun with pride.)

I like the silver stripes.

BOB
Nobody will believe that's a real gun. Now mine on the other hand. It's a beauty.

SAM
Yeah but mine's bigger.

BOB
(Insulted)
So? What's that got to do with anything?

SAM
People will be frightened of me cause I have a big banana.

BOB
Yeah? Let's just see if you know how to use it.

(He picks up his newly dried banana and points it at SAM threateningly.)

Stick it up buddy!

SAM
No that's not how you do it.

(Picks up his banana, chokes up on it, and points it toward BOB.)

It's like, throw your hands to the air or I'll splatter your brains all over the friggin' place!

BOB
All right that's enough. You remember the plan?

SAM
Yeah. Run in, point our bananas at the store clerk guy, ask for all his money, then run out!

BOB
Right, just stop calling your gun a banana.

SAM
But it is a banana.

BOB
No it's a gun.

SAM
I thought you said we was gonna paint bananas up . . .

BOB

(Shakes his head in calm disgust.)

No. Listen. You have to think you're carrying a gun. We have to pretend it's very real. So call it a gun. To us it's a gun. To everyone else it's a gun. And don't hold it like a banana either.

(SAM nods. BOB and SAM tuck the bananas into their pants then exit the stage.)

SCENE 2

(The convenience store set is created and then revealed to the audience. There are shelves with assorted groceries and aisles in between. The most notable of the groceries is the following: bananas, ice cream, and a magazine rack. There is a counter which the convenience store clerk, CLERK, stands behind. There are two customers currently in the store: WOMAN and MAN. The customers browse around for a bit, while CLERK reads a dirty magazine denoted by the fact that it has XXX in huge letters on the front. After a short while BOB and SAM enter the doorway. They look around sheepishly with wide eyes before completely entering the store.)

BOB
(Whispers)
Ok. You go in first. Scout it out.

SAM
(Whispers back)
Ahn-ah. You go in first.

BOB
(Still whispering)
Look. One of us has to go in and make sure its safe. We look like amateurs sitting in the doorway.

(BOB then shoves SAM into the store. SAM looks around suspiciously. Then he spots WOMAN and walks over to her.)

SAM
Need any help?

WOMAN
No I'm just looking. What, you work here or something?

SAM
No. I'm actually supposed to rob the place soon.

WOMAN
What? You robbing the place? No foolin'?

SAM
Yeah I am. Got a gun and everything.

WOMAN
No way! Let me see it!

SAM
Sure hang on.

(Reaches for his banana and then looks up suddenly.)

Oh man! I nearly forgot!

(SAM runs over to BOB who is still standing [somewhat impatiently] in the doorway.)

BOB (Whispering again)
Gosh-darnit Sam! What are you doing over there?

SAM
Hey man it's cool. I checked the place out.

BOB
Fine! I'll do everything myself.

(BOB walks into the store. SAM walks back over to WOMAN.)

SAM
So anyway, that's the guy I'm robbing the place with. He's ok.

WOMAN
Hey, let's see your gun.

(SAM reaches into his pants, slowly, and pulls out his banana. BOB sees and pulls out his. BOB walks up to the store clerk who is still ogling the magazine and points his banana at him. SAM continues talking to the woman.)

BOB
Hey you! Stick em up!

CLERK

(Not paying attention)

Sure. Be with you in a minute.

BOB
Give me all your money! C'mon man, I'm not playin' around!

CLERK

(Still not paying attention)

Everybody wants money.

BOB
Hey what magazine is that?

CLERK
It's PlayMate.

BOB
Can I see?

CLERK
Why don't you get one from the rack? There's plenty over there.

BOB

(Scans the rack for the magazine.)

No, there isn't any over there.

CLERK

(Looks up in thought.)

Oh yeah. I took em' all home.

(Finally sees the gun BOB is holding.)

Hey man what's going on?

BOB
Well for starters, gimme that PlayMate or I'll shoot you.

(CLERK hands over the magazine and BOB begins leafing through it casually. MAN notices the guns in the store. He tries to sneak up on BOB.)

SAM
Hey man, freeze! Freeze up, or I'm gonna blow your slimy brains all over the store!

MAN

(Tough at first, but increasingly weaker.)

Ok man. Just don't shoot.

SAM
I'll shoot if I want to! I'm in charge here. Now get down on the floor!

WOMAN
Hey Sam. You gonna shoot him Sam?

SAM
Maybe I will. I don't know if I'm in the mood yet.

WOMAN
You ever shot anyone before?

SAM
Oh lots of times. I shot so many people I lost count. Just last week I shot my dad.

WOMAN

(Very turned on.)

You shot your dad? What for?

SAM
Aw he was pissing me off. Telling me to get a job and stuff. I said, "No you get a job!" And then I shot him. My mom too. She always agrees with my dad.

WOMAN
Oh, you did not.

SAM
I did too. I might shoot this guy here right now. I might shoot you.

(MAN begins to whimper. WOMAN continues to flirt with SAM.)

See that. He's not so tough.

BOB
Will you stop foolin' around Sam? Come on over here and help me out. Here, take this magazine.

SAM
Ok. What else we stealin'? Oh I know. Ask him for some fireworks. Convenience store clerks always have fireworks in the back or something.

BOB
We're not gettin' fireworks.

SAM
Why not?

BOB
Cause they're illegal in this state.

CLERK
I don't have any fireworks.

SAM
Well get me a dirty magazine then.

CLERK
I told you I'm all out.

BOB
Just start takin' stuff already. We shouldn't stay here too long.

(SAM starts taking some things off the shelves.)

WOMAN
Sam are you gonna shoot the clerk? Shoot the clerk Sam!

CLERK
Hey girly, you're not allowed in this store anymore!

BOB
He's not shooting anyone for you!

WOMAN
Don't tell him who he can't shoot! You're not the boss of him.

BOB
Look lady, he's not gonna shoot anyone.

WOMAN
You hear that Sam? Your partner says you're not shooting anyone. Why don't you blow him away?

SAM
If that's what you want. Hey, how 'bout some ice cream?

WOMAN
Sure. Got any strawberry? It's my favorite.

SAM
Hang on I'll check.

BOB
Gosh-darnit Sam! Just start takin' important stuff.

(Turns back to the clerk.)

All right. Enough already. Give me all your money!

WOMAN
You know you should be nicer to Sam. He doesn't have to take your crap ya know. He could kill you. His gun is bigger than yours. He showed it to me.

BOB
Shut-up lady. I don't need this right now.

CLERK
You want the money or not?

WOMAN
Hey, Sam! Your friend here just told me to shut-up. You gonna let him get away with that?

SAM
Hell's no. Hey, I think I found some strawberry.

BOB
Sam, get over here and help me get this guy's money!

WOMAN
Stop takin' orders from him Sam. You're better than him. Blow him away right now.

SAM
Ya know, she has a point. You're always tellin' me what to do.

BOB
I do that to keep us out of trouble.

MAN
Can I get up yet?

BOB, SAM, CLERK, and WOMAN
No!

WOMAN
Enough of this!

(She pulls SAM's gun out of his hands.)

I'll kill him myself!

BOB
Whoa! Hey Sam, control your woman over here! She's got your friggin' gun to my head!

SAM
You shouldn't have pissed her off like that.

BOB
Offer her some strawberry ice cream or something!

(WOMAN points the gun up to BOB's head. She squints and turns away from BOB. Then she squeezes the banana hard. The banana pops out of the peel and hits BOB in the head and then falls on the ground. SAM and the clerk stare in amazement.)

BOB
Oh no! I've been shot!

(Pause.)

Oh yeah it's fake.

(WOMAN opens up her eyes and stares in disbelief at the empty banana peel.)

CLERK
You stinkin' phonies! I'm gonna get you guys for this!

(CLERK comes out from behind the counter and runs toward SAM like he's going to tackle him. SAM steps back and CLERK trips on the discarded banana. He falls, hits his head on the ground, and lies on the floor unconscious.)

BOB
Now we've done it Sam! We friggin' killed him!

SAM

(Turns to WOMAN.)

I told you I was dangerous.

MAN

(MAN gets up off the floor after hearing the commotion. Points at SAM.)

I'm gonna get you man. You had me scared to death!

(MAN walks over to SAM and WOMAN throws the banana peel in front of him. He too trips and gets knocked unconscious.)

BOB
C'mon man, let's get the frig' outta here!

WOMAN

(Still impressed with SAM, turns to him.)

I'll meet you later.

(SAM grabs a bunch of bananas and the two run out of the store.)

SCENE 3

(The set is turned back into BOB's apartment. By now it is late afternoon.)

SAM
Hey that wasn't so bad.

BOB
What are you talkin' about? It was a disaster. We didn't even get any money.

SAM
Yeah but I grabbed some more bananas. We can try some other place out next week. Rita wants to help us too. That's the girl I met.

BOB
Are you insane? She tried to kill me!

SAM
With a banana.

BOB
It's a gun remember.

SAM
No it was a banana painted up . . .

BOB

(Shakes his head in calm disgust.)

Look. It's the principle of the matter. She didn't know it was a banana.

SAM
Still, I'm sure we'll work together just fine.

(There is a knock on the door. BOB is startled.)

BOB
Who is it?

RITA (Off)
It's Rita!

BOB
How do I know? Do the secret knock.

RITA (Off)
Sam was tryin' to tell it to me but he said he forgot.

(Blackout.)